The Power of Listening

By Cheryl Karp Eskin, LMFT, Senior Director, Teen Line, a Program of Didi Hirsch

At our teen-to-teen hotline, we call the teens who answer our hotline “listeners.” Not peer counselors, not advice givers, but “listeners.” Why “listeners?” Because we fully believe in the power of listening in building a relationship or helping someone through their problems.  Through listening, we understand the experience of our caller and create a sacred space.

Listening seems simple and natural, but it’s not always. We don’t learn it as a subject in school or always think about practicing it. But it’s essential to good relationships, particularly with your teens who already think “you don’t understand.”

There are several roadblocks to good listening.

1. Being Judgmental

   • When we judge our teen or what they have to say, we stop listening to what they are actually saying and only see them through the lens of our judgment. They don’t feel respected or heard, and we don’t see the possible value of what they have to say.

2. Giving Advice

   • Giving advice is also not listening. It’s rushing in to fix a problem and sending the message that they can’t solve it themselves. The recipient can feel less than, and their feelings never get a chance to be released.  It also doesn’t provide them the opportunity to find their own “solutions” which is an important skill.

3. Taking the Other Side

   • When your teen is in a moment of need, they don’t need you to point out what they might have done wrong or where the other person might have been coming from.  They need to feel that you are on their side. Think of how you might feel if your friend or partner wondered aloud what you might have done to create a situation.

4. Changing the Subject

   • Changing the subject also hurts communication and is generally about our discomfort with the subject matter. Some of the things our teens bring up are difficult to hear, but not talking about them doesn’t make them go away; it just sends the message to your teen that you can’t handle it.

   
   

So what IS good listening?

1. Giving our full focus to our teen

   • Putting our phones down or turning the TV off and not interrupting with our agendas or need to “fix.”

   
   

2. Providing empathy

   • I encourage you to watch Brene Brown’s video which uses relatable humor to talk about the difference between empathy and sympathy.

   
   

3. Validating feelings

   • Teaching our teens (and young kid) to use feeling words, and then reflecting these feelings back to our teens, saying things like “that sounds really painful.”

   
   

4. Asking open ended questions

   • No one likes to be interrogated (particularly after a long day of school).  “Tell me more,” or “what was the best part of your day?” can elicit more conversation.

   
   

5. Being comfortable with silence

   • It’s ok to sit quietly and not always have the answers. When appropriate, it’s also remembering the power of a hug.

   
   

I encourage you to be mindful of your listening skills this week and see if there is a positive impact on your relationships.

About The Author:

Cheryl Karp Eskin (she/her), LMFT, is the Senior Director at Teen Line.  She started her clinical training at the age of 14 as a Teen Line listener.  She has been privileged to work with hundreds of teens over the years and has two teen children of her own.